Lol wut do 2 think of my poem lolz plz b honist?

he lied there drench in sweat


oh no oh no, he thought, im dead


as his bleeding heart was ripped out of his soul by the cruel grappling hook of society and thrown in the toilet bowl of life





he glanced up at the clock


oh no oh no, he though, im late


as his eyes were covered in salt as the fascist corporate vultures dived in and taked his paycheck





he ate a taco


oh no oh no, he though, im a monkey


as someone flushed the toilet bowl of life

Lol wut do 2 think of my poem lolz plz b honist?
wow.... wonderful! absolutely amazing!
Reply:It is crazy and makes no sense and you used the wrong form of a some of the words or need to spell check.
Reply:Best one on here.
Reply:Lol, I like how you liken life to being a toliet bowl, great insight.
Reply:uuhh.....uummmm......uuhhh....eerrrrrr..... one thing......u need to ue spell check....and next.....look at the tenses on your words.......it sounds like your jus trying to put youtr feelings out in the open.....but if I were you.....I would try to use synonyms instead of the actual words/names.........
Reply:it would sound better if you wrote.....





lying there in his sweat


he thought im dead


his heart was hooked


thrown in the bowl





he glanced up


and thought was late


he ate a taco


and went on a date.
Reply:grammar problems:





...lay there...


...took his paycheck.








its... WIERD. doesnt flow or make much sense.
Reply:It's ... different. Lots of symbolism. Just tweak it a bit! : )
Reply:u shouldnt post questions like dat cause ppl are mean





but anwyz


thnxz fer da two puntos!!!
Reply:"lied" =lay


"taked"=took





i really didn't like it. one star, actually.
Reply:Well, it is original.
Reply:Reminds me of the Unabomber - only he had spell check.
Reply:Either you are drunk, kidding, or casing people for answers. Now for what I think of the poem. It is rather hilarious.
Reply:Well, you have an idea--someone who is without power in his own life and who is being victimized by those who do have power over him.





However, despite the toilet bowl, there is a great lack of continuity of thought in the poem.


Pick one image--don't over-dramatize it (which you have),


and work at getting the idea across without actually saying it.





You do not show a strong sense of understanding as to what poetry is. What elements of poetry do you think you have in this bit of writing?





Although schools seem to encourage non-poetic poetry these days, the fact is, this would more easily write as prose, and even then, it lacks continuity.





I want to suggest that you spend some time reading some really good poets. Get a feel for what poetry is. Read really good poets--get your librarian to help you there. When you find someone you really like, delve into his/her work.





Work on elements of poetry--metaphor, simile, meter, rhyme,


rhythm. This shows none of those except for your toilet bowl of life metaphor.





Ask yourself why you are writing poetry. A good poet doesn't write just to vent his spleen. Even if he has strong, negative feelings, he knows how to make the thought universal.





When his Dad was dying Dylan Thomas wrote "Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage, against the dying of the light." You have a lot of work ahead of you if you seriously want to explore putting our thoughts into poetic form.
Reply:alright, i've respectfully responded to ur other two poetic posts....but THIS is ridiculous! It's disrespectful to approach this kind of commendable theme and not apply ur obvious writing skills (which I acclaimed previously) to getting ur point across...instead, it's like you've succumbed to all of this people and their need for silliness rather than be a true POET!! very disappointing, because even though I realistically know nothing about you, I still thought I read the words of someone who was better than that in your other poems...oh well, whether you learn anything from this or not, i guess I've learned MY lesson!